And Now for Something Completely Different (Comic Relief thread)

Anchor wrote:

They once said that a black man would be president when pigs fly. His first 100 days and wham!! Pig's flu!

Uhhhggg, I like a good pun, but yow.....wacka, wacka, wacka!


Speaking of though, I think I may have found the origin of the h1n1 virus:



"Oh look, my baby is open mouth kissing that pig, somebody get a camera!"

Watch this one first.





Another good spoof of NOM's (jcls church btw) ridiculous ad.

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/224789/april-16-2009/the-colbert-coalition-s-anti-gay-marriage-ad

Quote :

We are building a gay umbrella. That is not a metaphor , we are actually building it.

hahahahah

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk?

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the
crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and
leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.
Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays,
and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't
know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him
and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

Lol - that reminds me of a real life story of how my old English teacher got fired from a department store when she was at college. She was working the mens underwear section, some guy comes up and asks for some type of underwear, she says "What size".

He puts hands on hips, thrusts his pelvis forwards and says "What size do you think?"

She says "Sorry we dont stock puny"

A..

got this in my mial box this morning..after the article in the news about the 66 year old lady who was pregnant...
i couldn't stop laughing

.........

This is for you older girls ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Too good not to pass on,
Enjoy !!!

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked 'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'


'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

Love those Church Ladies..

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.



Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- -------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
__________________

Clean can be funny.
>> >
>> > One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
>> > Sexy
>> > nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
>>So
>> > he
>> > tied her up and went golfing.
>> >
>> > **************************************************
>> > A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
>>the
>> > house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
>> > "Honey,
>> > pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
>> > The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>>mountain
>> > stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
>> >
>> > ****** ********************************************
>> >
>> >
>> > Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
>> > other is a husband.
>> > ********************* *****************************
>> >
>> > A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
>>First,
>> > of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a
>>card
>> > with the letters
>> >
>> > 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
>>"Read
>> > it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>> > **************************************************
>> >
>> > Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
>> > tell
>> > you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank
>> > God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
>> >
>> >
>> > **************************************************
>> > A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>> > Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,
>> > "CAREFUL!
>> > Put in s ome more butter! Oh my GOD!
>> > You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
>> > THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
>> > we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
>> > Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
>> > to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
>>Have
>> > you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always
>>forget
>> > to
>> > salt them. Use the salt.
>> > USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is
>> > wrong
>> > with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The
>>husband
>> > calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm
>> > driving."
>> > **************************************************
>> >
>> > Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
>> > drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army
>> > issued
>> > him
>> > a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his
>> > second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the
>> > Army
>> > dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued
>> > him
>>a
>> > jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

They wouldn't allow this to be aired now adays.

ahhhhh M

that George Gobble one is one of my favorites...and i can say i actually watched it in person that night..sigh..
oh that night long ago..in my youth..ahhhhhh sigh sigh..hahahahahahahah

did you ever feel like the world was a tuxedo and you were a brown pair of shoes...

here's a couple for you

Two Blondes With Hammers...Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work
On a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding,
Would reach into her nail pouch, pull out toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, throwing those nails away?'
Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
Them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails
Aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'