personal histories........i´ll go first......

hi everyone.....i´ll give a breif very summery about me.........i was born knowing something was f*cked up with the world.........so as a child i stayed to my self...........at age 14 i left home for good and never looked back........i sold maria and knocked off banks to get by.............i always traveled with and live in a tent........i traveled around the u.s. for 11 years.........10 of those years i was a raging alcoholic.......

after i started studing natural healing through fasting....after i saw i didn´t want to be involved with anyone or anything there....so i saved up a bunch of cash from my maria business..... and split the country........went to indonisia..........form there traveled by land and sea to thailand.......lived there for2 years........rock climbing........sold maria and magic mushrooms (with permission from the thais)i used to harvest at the elephent farm and sell them to tourist.......after went to india.........

lived there for 2 years..........studied to be a yoga teacher.....made a living there (enough to suport myself).......with the help of my indian friends.........

stayed in napal for a while hangin out with the homeless kids.....renting them bikes and buyin them food..........did the same thing with the kids in india.........those homeless kids are full of love.........they are thankful for the simpelest thing.......i used to sneek them into my room so they could get showers.........for most it was the first time they ever had a shower........they are my true family.......i learned so much from them about true unconditional love........they are my true teachers...........and although they had nothing they were the most honest.........when i would take them for food if one kid was missing they would stick the food in their pockets and save it for whom ever was missing.....even though they normally ate from the trash..........they made sure that they each had an equal share..........these kids were rich inside.........


after because of visa problems iwent back and forth from italy to india for 2 years.........travelled to marocco......i had a small business in italy for awhile.........after i traveled around europe for awhile........did some vipasana meditation.......lived in holland doing volunteer work........checked out england and scottland,spain,france,switzerland...........

and i found out that all western countries are the same..........i´ve seen and done meny things......i have no atachments.....i have no family to hold me back.......i see how people live all over the world (in the northern hemispher)at least........and my heart lives in asia........with the kids there.........

so most times i get frustrated with what i witness in the so called western world......
i wish people would think more global.........for us to be comfortable in the west means some one in an under developed country was exploited......and some of those people happen to be my friends.......truth is i´ve seen so much that has shook me awake......i always think globaly........for the people and i see how humans are killing the planet and eachother.........i feel the earth her self crying.....i feel the animals cry..........i feel the sadness of the less fortunate and severly miss treated and abused among us......and i prey everyday that it will all stop......i will gladly give up everything if every living being on the planet could be treated with respect and........to tell you all the truth i´m looking forward to this crash.....everyone will live their karma......and for once people will be forced to be equal......and survive together......instead of exploiting others or our mother earth..........on the other side i prey for our mother to take back her power........imo we are parisites twords eachother and the earth.....she has a body that we have invaded.......she will like any other body fight off the parisites.........think of your body when it´s sick......fever, diarehia,vomiting, whatever it takes to rid it´s self of the poision...... also humans need to take back there power and stop all parisidic behavior twords them selves and other living beings.........so i hope you all are prepaired for what is to come........a change must take place....it´s up to each of us to decide which way it will go......remenber we will each get what we deserve...........whether we are conscious of it or not..........peace be with you brothers and sisters.........

Good on you Zuni.

thanks dean....btw i been meaning to tell you........ not that it matters but i am .........atleast in this life female.......he he

Wow.....

Hahaha. That's a total surprise to me. I was convinced you were male.

polly cause i´ve always been a huge tom boy.......all my friends were always guys.......so i guess i do have a masculine energy......i had to be tough and rely on my masculine side cause i always travelled alone (i am physically pettite and look feminine)........ also with the busniess i have always had .........it was a a male dominated type of business so i defenatly could not show any femininaty........had to be stong , brave, and tough.....
i thought i had balanced my masculine and a feminine............but i guess it still shows......lol.......

I have lived a sheltered boring life. Raised catholic so you know it was boring. But, I knew the church was not right to say we were only ones going to heaven.......I stoled to have decent clothes and to buy cigerettes. I had 6 sisters and very poor. Had to wear hand me down clothes and shoes. I never got new until I started working at the age of 14. So hated school as my uniform was at least 5 years old and faded as hell. was dirty and unfed half the time.

I vowed to bring my children up differently and failed. I always had a decent meal for them and clothing that was up to date styles. They became spoiled and too depended on me. I'm wishing I had it all over to do and would of changed so many things.

Living in a home I bought 28 years ago and mortgaged up the ass with loans to assist them in their life style breeded in them. I know it's wrong but I can't get myself out of this and now wait to die so it will end.

Today I will bail one son out of jail (38) and get ready to work on oldest son (40) then help daughter move from abusive relationship into a shelter. She can't come here as she says it will never work out. Is that gratitute? Obviously not.

So right now today I am dragged down, beaten and ready to just end this life.

I am just waking up and wonder if God has a place for me soon.

Life sucks for both my husband and I and on top of it all..............he thinks I'm nuts because I believe in all of this. He still thinks the jews were slaughtered in Germany.

Not sure if this is what you wanted to hear but hey, it's my life and I'm ready to give it up.

Many of us are fed up with how it is playing out and want it to end.

I try to think of others who are going through worse times and that helps. We are all here to support each other and find a way to get through this.

We must not give up....we have to know if we tried our best, we will see a change for the better. Do not fear death. It is the beginning because we are eternal beings.

My hearts bleeds for everybody who is suffering and I want you to know that I am here for you mntruthseeker. Hang in there.

hi mntruthseeker.......i can understand where you are comming from.......i mean i have never been exactly where you are but i´ve hit rock bottom a few times.........thank you for having the courage to share your story with us..........i think we all find this world unbearible to live in sometimes......so your not alone ........i spend all of my free time here on this forum because well this is where my friends are.......and this is a meeting place where we can suport eachother on our path........i am glad you made it here......... .........and if you found your way here it is definatly for a reason........it is definatly more difficult if you are waking from your slumber but the ones closest to you are not..........ya know i walked out on my entire famliy when i was 14 and i never looked back.....i knew we were different and they would never understand me........and so being alone for 2/3 of me life has been good as far as i was able to live my life without having to answer to anyone.........and when ever i hit a low i just looked inside myself and in that way i became my own best friend.........also 10 day vipassanas helped me to get time alone for myself........and it doesn´t cost anything.....you know imo sometimes the one close to us are the ones who hold us back from our growth.......it is important to take time out for yourself........just some food for thought.......

what really helped me was traveling......maybe you could benifit from a change in atmosphere.....

in any case if your feelin down you can come visit us here to talk things through whenever you want........i´m all ears..... and linda is correct we all want things to change........

mntruthseeker you are the greatest miracle in the world.. an expression of infinite love that shines out to the cosmos with radiant energy. It is time to remember again how beautiful we all are as this is only the beginning of our precious journey towards everlasting fulfillment. Look into the mirror and find that spark again glistening in your eyes, remember that unconditional love you have for your children, you have an untouchable give of love that is absorbed on unseen levels.

Thank you two. I just came back in to quickly erase my whining. Anyhow, I need to get back to praying or try meditating again. I have been on edge since all of the trouble started with my daughter. I can't believe she let him push her around like that. I am proud that when it comes to her son she drew the line.

Thank you both and I really felt foolish after writing all this. it's not like me to put it out there like I did.

I truly believe that I am in hell half the time. I am still much better off than most people as I can afford to eat and have a bed to sleep in. My heart goes out to all that do not and I just have to learn to remind myself of all of that. So I feel ashame for my complaining todayt.

Thank you for your kind words Linda and Zuni


Zuni, I too thought you were a male with your life style. I know some of Linda's life and when I read your's I thought of my son. I want to get them out of jail and keep them out as long as possible so that they can work and get attorneys. They made their own bed and can sleep in it but releasing them to get attorneys. At least I will give them a chance. Thank God that I am able to do so once again. I need to appreciate what I do have.

boy, these personal histories are tough....
i had already read a bit from zuni and linda already...
keep the stories coming, you guys are awesome.

mn, i hadn't heard your story before, i just knew
i liked you from the posts i read... please, do not
perceive yourself as whining here, you are making
yourself a bit vulnerable, you are telling a truth, you
are trusting us and sharing and i feel so privileged...

you will resolve your issues, i just know you will...
when you make decisions based on love, you cannot go wrong...
you have not failed your children, there is no such thing...
you are teaching them something, they are teaching you
something - it's the trying to figure out the somethings
that seems impossible sometimes... hang in there

i want to give this message to you... it came to me a week
or so ago - i was in nature, secluded, being in the moment and
it came:

i am done living my life
it is time for life to live me

i am not sure what it means - yet
maybe you can help me figure it out

thanks, mn

i am done living my life
it is time for life to live me

i am not sure what it means - yet
maybe you can help me figure it out

WineHippie, it means you are letting your spirit guide you. You are in touch with the Universe. That is a beautiful thing sister.
Go with the flow, enjoy the ride and now nobody can touch you.

I remember reading zuni's first story also over at A/V and was amazed how she was so independent at such an early age with a colourful exchange of services.

I must admit I first thought zuni was a male from a story she detailed about someone pushing her in the back resulting to a tumbling session. Then I saw her avatar and the person in the photo was doing a hand stand with a bikini on...then I thought oh males don't usually wear bikini's silly.

mn I didn't perceive yourself as whining either. It's nice to know you feel comfortable enough to express your feelings. You will always have our support here. take care

mntruthseeker wrote:

Not sure if this is what you wanted to hear but hey, it's my life and I'm ready to give it up.

pm me anytime if you want to talk

Reunite wrote:

Then I saw her avatar and the person in the photo was doing a hand stand with a bikini on...then I thought oh males don't usually wear bikini's silly.

oh you mean this photo............... this was taken in india

Quote :

mn I didn't perceive yourself as whining either. It's nice to know you feel comfortable enough to express your feelings. You will always have our support here. take care

yeah....... :love-061:

Interesting how many thought Zuni was male. I knew immediately she was a spiritual sister.
Love ya, sister.

love you too linda......

What a beautiful picture of caring hands Gio. So glad you're here.

hi gio.....your encouraging words are always most welcome .........i´m so happy you finally found your way here to share with us........big love for you brother.........

If you didnt read it , you didnt read it.

NW Orphan sounds like an intense lifestyle that only made you stronger. The quickest lessons to learn in life are usually the hardest ones. Please unscratch and finish the story.

New World Orphan wrote:

There is one thing worse than not knowing who you are when growing up and that is knowing who you are and then forgetting. It can happen when you are surrounded by people who know nothing about life, completely different sense of humor and outlook, spoiled brats, not all, but a lot.

I've been there myself bro (briefly), but you were able to snap yourself out of it too somehow, and you're stronger for it now I'd reckon. If I hadn't recognized it in time, I think I might have found myself in a soul crushing place right now. It sounds like you and I come from a similar place. I had a pretty privileged upbringing for awhile too, and at some point when I was fairly young, I realized that unlike most of the people I had surounding me, the "american dream" was not what I was looking for. I'll see if I can't muster some focus and explain myself better sometime soon.

Reunite wrote:

Please unscratch and finish the story.

Second that.

nwo i went to a school like you.....well untill i quit..........
i was a white minority .....in center city.......

my cusin actually got stabed in the heart at school.....(one block from my house........)

i had to stress about getting jumped everyday after school by puerto ricans.......(thats how my cusin got stabed ).....

i was friends with all the african americans and they watched my back...........but still sometimes we were out numbered..........

anyway please continue with your story.... i´ve been waitin for like a week ........lol......

I will finish I just have to been in that nostalgic type of mood. Even though I ended the story on kind of a downer, I really wasnt that depressed or anything like that. Its funny because this one time right in the middle of my recovery these J wittnesses came up too my door. And I was kind of out of it talking too them this time. And I kind of told them a little summary of that year and she said something along the lines of how I dont believe in god bc of what happened and I was like oh no way, I do always. She seemed pretty surprised about that. One thing I would like to add though, on mi story iis the different types of senses of humors between classes. The lower/middle class has a way better sense of humor than the rich and when I look at the greatest comedians in the world, most of them came from poorer backgrounds. To go through life with a great sense of humor is a blessing but to actually know good comedy is even better.