today's funny

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude
the hypnotis exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to
hypnotize each and every member of the audience."



The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep
your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's
been in my family for six generations."



He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting, "watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the
watch..."



The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed
back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surace. Hundred of pairs of eyes followed the swaying
watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to
the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.



"SHIT" said the Hypnotist.



It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

Oh crap!

from Brinty on PA....


Three women were driving home after a day's golf when their car left the road on a bend, went through the guard rail and over a cliff. There were no survivors.

St Peter welcomed them at the Pearly Gates and told them that they were free to do as they chose without restrictions - the only rule was that they were to be careful not to step on any ducks. When they looked about, they saw that there were a lot of ducks waddling around. "If you step on one," says St Peter, "you will suffer a terrible fate - so take care."

The three women were careful to avoid the ducks but, after a week, one of them stepped on one. Within a split second St Peter appeared and told the culprit, "You were warned about the consequences of stepping on a duck and now you are about to suffer your permanent punishment. From now on, you will be shackled to the ugliest man in Heaven for the whole of eternity."

The poor woman was lead off sobbing and the remaining two were extra careful from then on. It was about six months later that the second woman stepped on a duck. In an instant St Peter appeared and she was shackled to the ugliest man you could imagine.

Well, the remaining woman was extremely careful after that. She had been in Heaven about two years without stepping on a duck when one day St Peter appeared in the company of the most handsome man she had ever set eyes on. He walked up to the woman and shackled her to this beautiful, muscular man.

She was stunned, what a magnificent example of manhood he was. She was so amazed at her good fortune she exclaimed out loud, "What in Heaven have I done to deserve this?"

The man replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

awwwwwww, that's sad

LOL I know I shouldn't laugh but that was too much..........beep beep

Silent but Deadly


An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart .. what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"

:laughter:

Women golfer!!!!

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror
as her ball headed directly toward a

foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the
men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I
could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,'she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few
minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

He replied:

'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'