today's funny

hey Reunite..maybe we need a humor section


this makes me think of the kid that would always taunt the other guy..some folks just never change.



What Do Retired People Do All Day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.


Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said,

'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a shit-head.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care.

We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

ok, here is what me n sis do, now that we have
"retired"
when we get solicitations in the post, especially from
credit card companies, w/ postage paid return
envelopes, we sit down and...

well, first you have to realize that companies do not
pay for postage return envelopes unless they are sent back, so....

we put coupons we have collected into the envelopes
and send 'em in

we like to think about the people who open them getting
a chuckle, but perhaps they don't

ah Hippie..it is getting scary..the similiarities part....i sent them back too

but the credit card ones i have a bit of fun with..i put a big X where they have my name and i write this note to them
went you can match my current credit card deal of a 30,000 limit with no fees and no charges..get back to me

i used to get advers for magazines and i would wirte that i would subscript to their publication if they took all the advertising pages out..

and way back when there were just pre-paid postcards to fill out..
i would write jan e doe 123 main street freedom city canada

i like to think i wrote enough of them and that is why they don't do it anymore..lol. but i don't think i was alone in doing it..

sigh..not as much fun anymore postage it too high

Great stuff you guys.

Sky I am still chuckling about your statement yesterday about your hubby winning awards for procastinating. Hasn't gone to pick the awards yet though! hehehehehe

don't feel like laughing anymore, gabe left

WineHippie wrote:

don't feel like laughing anymore, gabe left

Yes I was just reading that. I thought what you did about a bad spirit getting to him. He didn't seem himself all of a sudden.

my heart has a big crack in it.......

M..glad to make you chuckle..and having been married to him for this long it is also a great source of teasing

i keep telling him if we die on the same day..i will be in the obits and he will be in the late deaths...

STOPPED BY THE POLICE ..
********************

JON AND JESSICA were on there way home from the bar
when they got pulled over by the police..
the officer told jon that tail light was out .
Jon says im very sorry officer , i will get it fixed right away .
Just then jessica said i knew this would happen i told you two days ago to get that light fixed ...
So the officer asked jon for his drivers licence , and after looking at it
said sir your licence has expired .
then jessica said I told you a week ago that your licence had expired
Well by this time jon is a bit upset with his wife contrdicting him and
says in a rather loud vioice ...jessica shut your mouth ..
The officer leaned over to jessica and asked does your husband allways talk to you like that ..to which jessica replyed ...
only when hes drunk officer !!

That is too funny Brook!

If you want a humor section suggest away where you would like it.

where would you like to put it...

maybe beside longhunters campsite

they must have cloned that cat..cause i have one, too

The air conditioner has quit in our car. I wonder if I could get the plans for copying this setup.

I got a couple extra ACs if you want to try, maybe you could put on on each side.

micjer wrote:

The air conditioner has quit in our car. I wonder if I could get the plans for copying this setup.

Now that is a window unit......LOL

Vet Exam

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

Waiting For A Haircut

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, " How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says,
"About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."

THE TAXMAN COMETH

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.


While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'


'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi....

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

@ a complete dick