Heisenbergism: Shit happened, we just don't know where or how much.
Quantum Shittydynamics:
Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.
Einsteinism: God does not play shit with the universe.
Shit is Relative.
Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law:
Relatives are Shit.
Washington: I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.
Lincoln: Four score and seven shits ago...
Nixon: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything
about it.
Reagan: Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap.
Quayle: Whye doe peepl treate mee lik shitte?
Clinton: I didn't inhale this shit.
I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....
Bush: Read my lips: no more shit!
Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.
This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
This looks like domestic shit. Let Baker handle it.
This looks like campaign-related shit. Let Baker handle it.
Baker: Why does Bush always dump all the shit on me?
Saddam: The mother of all shit just happened to us, but at least
I'm still in power.
Perot: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.
McCarthyism: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?
Martin Luther King:
Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...
I have a shit...
Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)
Kennedy: Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but
what your shit can do for your country.
John Paul Jones:
I have not yet begun to shit.
James Tiberius Kirk:
... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!
Shirley MacClaine:
Haven't I seen this shit before...
Neil Armstrong: One small shit for a man... One giant heap for mankind.
Shakespeare: To shit or Not to shit, that is the question.
Computer Science:
There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt
UNIX: Shit dumped.
VAX/VMS: No Privilege for attempted shit.
Macintosh: (Enough said)
IBM/DOS: It's shit, but it's compatible.
Windows: The same shit as DOS, only GUIer...
Cray: If this code weren't such a piece of shit, they wouldn't NEED
a supercomputer...
C: It's shit, but it's efficient.
Fortran: It's shit, but I don't know any better.
Cobol: It's shit, but it's job security.
BASIC: It's shit.
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit
is alike.
Dictatorship of the shit.
Socialism: The same shit happens to everyone.
Capitalism: Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.
Americanism: Who gives a shit?
Materialism: Whoever dies with the most shit wins.
Cannibalism: Don't eat the shit.
Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it.
Hedonism: There's nothing quite like a good shit.
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
Shit happening is absurd.
Realism: I think I need to take a shit.
Denialism: What shit?
Purism: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.
Procrastinationism:
I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.
Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.
Repressionism: I'll hold this shit in forever.
Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen!
Surrealism: Fish.
Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up!
Fetishism: I love it when shit happens.
Masochism: Do shit to ME.
Sadism: I will shit on you!
Dyslexia: Tihs happens.
===============================================================================
SHIT HAPPENS
according to the Philospohers
-------------------------------
Thales: Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit
Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it.
Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit?
Aristotle: The essence of shittyness...
Archimedes: Hmmm... why doesn't this shit float?
Give me a place to stand and I'll move any piece of shit.
Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit?
I shit, therefore I am.
Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire):
The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.
Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out
of life.
Sartre: Shit is meaningless!
What is shit, anyway?
Freudianism: Shit is a phallic symbol.
===============================================================================
SHIT HAPPENS
in various professions
------------------------
Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case...
Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.
Physicist (Theoretical):
Shit SHOULD happen.
Physicist (Experimental):
To within experimental error, shit DID happen.
Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.
Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!
Damn this shit smells...
Biologist: Is this shit alive?
Botanist: What this daisy needs is some fresh shit.
Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand
this shit.
Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill
out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant
Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...
CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want.
(1990's) Oooh, SHIT!
Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.
Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning.
Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please...
Acupuncturist: Hold still or it will hurt like shit.
Let all that shit go.
This will really get the energy shit moving.
Surgeon: Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?
Psychologist: Shit is in your mind.
Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing
its subconscious shittiness.
Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles.
Social Scientist:
Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...
Historian: The same shit happens again and again.
Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
If you elect me, shit will never again happen.
Shit happening is bad for the economy.
My Fellow Americans, All I stand for is shit.
Waitress: You want fries with that shit?
Teacher: Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =?
Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.
Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up?
Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.
(For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)
Quality Control Inspector:
This shit ain't good enough.
IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.
Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit.
Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike.
Mafia boss: Rub the little shits out.
NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit...
Mechanic: Shit...this will cost a lot, mister.
Chef: It needs some more of this green shit.
Musician: This shit is out of tune.
Artist: If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit.
Shit, I wish I thought of that.
Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art, it's shit.
Poet: My childhood was shit, let me share.
Ode to a Grecian Shit.
My love is like a red, red shit.
... and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I
shit...
Developer: Shit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have maintainance
programmers.
===============================================================================
SHIT HAPPENS
to your pets
------------
Dog: All I do is eat, sleep and shit.
I did not chew the shit out of your bedroom slippers.
When I catch a car, it will shit!
Oh shit, I caught it!
Cat: Why do I have to shit in this smelly pan?
Let me sleep, you pathetic shit.
Dogs are shit.
I do not do unelegant things like shit, I excrete. And never in
the corner. It is the dog's.
Fish: All I do is eat, swim and shit.
Always the same dried shit for dinner?
Snake: If I got out of this cage, you'd shit.
===============================================================================
THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS
for Sanitation Engineers
------------------------
0th: There is shit.
1st: You can't get rid of it.
2nd: It gets deeper.
3rd: A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking.
KEEP SHOVELING!!